September in the Rain

(Random Thought)


        I try to look hard through the falling rain framed by my window and I see a kaleidoscope of moments that brings me into this September.

         Ah yes, the years have brought me a string of Septembers, true,  some in sunshine, some in moonlight, some at high noon, some at dusk, but always, -seemingly always, or more often than not,  it would be in the rain.  Like now.  Well, there had been childlike fun. There had been pleasant surprises.  There had been deep regrets.  But there had also been glorious turns of events. And the feeling that permeates in me right now is one of curious expectation.

        Will they come back in another round of moments - my Septembers?Saying those words that both I uttered and did not which brought to others disappointment - or maybe joy?  Carrying out those acts that both I did and did not  that caused others heartache - or maybe delight? Or just being what might have been to others either pain - or maybe comfort? I really don't know! I really don't know! But even as I kind of foresee a repeat of the burning rain I have endured, I also hope I will be blessed with  more of the rapturous ones I did have a chance to enjoy!

        So, I come full circle, - the feeling that permeates in me right now is one of curious expectation!

                                                       -------------------------

Imagination....

(Thought-Random)

                                                           .... is picture thinking -
                     Best to go beyond that kind of thinking!

                                              

                                

I Don't Know!

(Thought-Random)

   
           After the fun of the morning pillow fight which Anika just got me into, ( I don't understand how she easily does that!), she now  rests her head on my arm and cuddles close to me as we lay in my bed where she had dozed off the night before. Then suddenly from out of nowhere, she asks me, "Why is your heart crying, Grama?"  I am taken aback! "What makes you say that?", I counter. "You're always sad!" she says, but I play it down, "No, I am not!"  "Oh, yes, you are!", she insists. "I am not!", I also do. 

         I remind her of how I laughed at her screaming as she tried to unearth herself from the mountain of pillows I tried to bury her in.  I feel a little guilty having had used my strength over this frail image of an angel.  But well, she vindicated herself when at that very moment of mirth on my part, she got her chance to free herself and throw a pillow at my face! Oh fiddlesticks! Her expression!   But a moment, at least, that I wasn't sad!  If I was always sad!

 

         Then I go back to ask her, "You really didn't hear my heart crying, did you?"  "Nope", she answers in a  matter-of-fact way.  "Then why did you ask me why it was crying?", I went on.  "I don't know!", she simply says.  "Why did you think I was always sad!", I didn't want to let go.  "I don't know!", she simply says.

        Funny how I borrow that line of Anika a lot of times at questions I have of my own life -  I don't know!  Why this, why that, why here, why now, why him, why me- ?  I don't know!  At one point the world embraces the cold but beautiful coldness of ice and snow .... followed by the refreshing kiss of springtime colors .... and then, the liberating sunshine of summer comes to let each soul free itself of some kind of captivity..... to be later drenched by rain clothed in thunder and lightning...... and then the leaves begin to fall!  Why!? The reasons for this seemingly remain wanting to me.

        "So must this go on and on and on in a changeless way?", I ask.  Perhaps, I also tell myself!  But it would really be interesting to have some answers and to be able to reach out to that elusive something!  Perhaps it will be this or it will be that.... it might be here and it might be now.... it will probably be him or probably just me - but,  just that?  And should you ask me why I even think of this, I am sure you know that I will say, "I don't know"!

Thoughts on Change

(Thought-Random)

 
          This past week had just brought us in the east coast sweltering heat like I don't remember- enjoyed by some, cursed by some.... but heat I loved to parallel with the thought of me sweating a river! And I yielded to this feeling which to me was pure bliss - delightful and  sensuous ... till I had to stop myself lest it turned to sin!

        But right now... exactly just now - as I type these words away,  that view from my window kind of clicks itself to a next screen as it unfolds that of ominous dark and heavy clouds threatening to pour at any moment now. The temperature has just made a turnabout to cool, very cool, - and the outside world in now losing light ever so slowly as if to give way to a more majestic ruling power. And I feel like I was transported to another dimension.

         I can't help but marvel at this beauty of God's creation as I soak in the gloom that is permeating the atmosphere.  The green of the trees has now been given a darker hue making them stand out against the greyish darkness of the sky.  I notice the shift from  the gentle sway of their branches to a rather stronger assault on each other.  But now I am zapped back to this earlier vision of these same trees where the sun's light made the  green of their leaves lighter to blend with the white clouds that lined the blue of the heavens. And in the bright of day, in the glare of heat, a new awareness is suddenly impressed on me -  that of change, of temporariness, of non-permanence.   But this is what life is made of, isn't it?   For something to be called living, there is that implication of growth, yes.   And growth, in turn, entails change, I know.  There also may be this so-called dichotomy of animate and inanimate things, so that well, some things do change, some don't.

           But now, this turns things in my world upside down because out there,
           I thought there was only this light that went on burning and
                                           nothing else! 
           I thought there was only this word constantly!

                                                      -----------------------------------------

Staying on top of the Water

 (Thought-Random)

   
          You're sinking!  Something  - a lot of things  - seem to be pulling you down,  down, deeper into the bottom of this water and you can't swim!  Well, maybe you can but these things are certainly not allowing you to bring yourself to the surface!

        I''m sure there'd be a  lot of times you'd have questions and a lot of them unanswered.  Like you couldn't figure out why your need for cash would make your good  moods crash so hard.  You see cash flowing all around you but not enough of it seems to land on your hands.  While you probably don't fantasize having a lavish lifestyle, you insist that you still could use more money!

        A lot of times,  you'd see your life defined by  fangs of dissatisfaction.  You'd think your mind, your talents, your education just have gone wasted!  You'd think everybody else's life  was a success while yours was a drudge, uneventful, unexciting!    And because everything in your life and how you lived your life seems to strangle you in reproach rather than brighten up your spirits as an inspiration as you'd probably want to, you feel you just can't shake off that gloom.  And you're nearing that dangerous edge where you'd want to end it all!

        Now hang on!  Just hang on there for a minute and listen to me.

        Are you sure money is an issue?  Or are you thinking that money is what makes other people's lives better than yours?  Well, it just might!  But think this - these lives may not be as beautiful as they seem...or even wonderful as they claim.  No one exists without serious loss, disappointment or burdens.  And some of these might just be money-related.  You  might even be looking into somebody else's hard work and sacrifices as the cause and reason for such beauty and wonder.  Would you be willing to pay the same price these lives got to where they are now?

        What about checking out the entirety of the life you have behind you?  Are you sure you're not  leaving out the aspects of it that you really place value in like family and relationships?  Can you really close your eyes to the real worth of the kindness, the loyalty, the sense of humor, and the love sent to your direction from friends and loved ones?  Are you definitely certain that the range of your vision on life, - your life - is not overly selective and  unfairly, drastically narrowed down?

        While you're thinking all these, I suggest you calm your nerves somewhat and do what I, myself, try to do:  meditate and exercise.  While meditation used to be or originally was a way to deeper understand the spiritual and mystical aspects of life,  it's present connotation is one of relaxation and stress reduction.  It is said that a few minutes of meditation can restore your calm and inner peace.  It is simple, inexpensive, and can be done wherever you are.  And as such, meditation enhances both your physical and emotional well-being.

        Exercise or physical activity,  on the other hand, is said to stimulate brain chemicals that leave you feeling happier and more relaxed than before you exercised.  A work-out at the gym or a 30-minute walk does wonders:  - you'll look better, feel better... it will boost your confidence and  improve your self-esteem. Would Tai Chi interest you?   Or if you enjoy exercising to music, why not  join classes in a dance school!  You might just love  the Salsa or the Foxtrot, or both!  Then do these on a regular basis. You'll find out that  if you do both,  -  meditate and exercise - you should be able to savor the afterglow of such activities......  like I do!

        Ah yes ....., I do understand how so difficult it is not to want for more.  Somehow, I believe you.   But believe me,  that is true only, - at least - only until you realize that your own life is far richer than you thought,  don't you think? 

                                                            ------------------------------------      
.
..

A Starbucks Moment......

(Thought-Random)

   
          My eyes travel from the green of the lawn to the green of the trees and to the greenish grey of the fog that hovers over these trees.  Can't find the blue of the sky... can't find it.... and I kinda want to see it!!!  Other things forced on my eyes at the moment though is this  ocean of cars at the parking lot.... the other side of this expanse of a window view from where I relish my vanilla latte.

        Did I say I was relishing my coffee?  Actually am trying hard to, - over the din that permeates this coffee shop. People for coffee, just like me....people meeting up with associates....people discovering acquaintances.  People streaming in and out of the doors....  people taking their place in those long lines....people- !

       Making up the things in my mind that I have to do quite competes with that line of people.  Not easy to decide which to pick up first.... but what is real for now is that am trying to drown that blanket of noise with Richard Clayderman's Je t'aime..... on my earphones.  At the same time,  am still trying to make out some kind of blue over that fog hovering over the trees.  Been raining on and off this whole week.... and while I love rain in whatever form it comes-  gently allowing itself to be blown with some wind.... racing down in slants to meet the ground.... coming tentatively in drips and drops as if deciding whether or not to come over to dear earth.... - I do not quite agree with the color discomfort  I am having at the moment that I think it is causing.

       But one thought overrides whatever sights and sounds and mind situations present themselves to me just about now.  Anika will be out of her pre-school class in a moment.  Then I will have that kiss and that hug that will force the sunlight out into these grey skies.....that will turn that meaningless noise into a total Clayderman music.....that will repaint this kaleidoscope of people pandemonium into just a framed masterpiece of a single baby angel by the name of Anika!

                                            --------------------------------------

The Mother

(Thought-Random)

     

         My mother is a poem

         I'll never be able to write 

        though everything I write

         is a poem to my mother....


........poetic lines from Sharon  Doubiago but which I could pick up as my own in its total  metaphoric essence.   To define a mother is, in fact, a challenge because of the diverse roles she plays. She has been identified as a beacon that lights up the future but at the same time reflected on the past in the guise of fond memories.  Whether biological or surrogate,  the mother had always been home..... or the bank where hurts and worries were deposited.  This latter concept might even be a mirror-reflection of a child happily caught 'between a scream and a hug'!  But on a more sentimental strain,  "the best conversations with mothers always take place in silence,  -when only it is the heart that speaks".  Beautiful!

        So the mother has always been idolized, deified, set on a pedestal of nothing but the labels of perfection. Talk about beauty, of patience, kindness, affection,  understanding..... add to these selflessness and sacrifice - you name it!   To none of these do I disagree, of course.  I totally subscribe to the idea that a mother is all of the above - and more!  Of the good things!  It's just that I know of one mother who doesn't really reach up to all of these above.

        This one mother, if I may talk about her, was one who lost hers long, long before she even became one...before she became a mother herself.  Which is why, perhaps, maternal instincts on the caring side of it were ingrained in her at a tender age.  And very strongly at that.  Three younger brothers had to look up to her for the mother anchorage.  Half siblings also came to the picture later but cousins too became part of her world to care for.  And family was just so close.

        In time came career and other career- related endeavors for this mother.  As it turned out, her maternal instincts apparently could not be contained in her any longer as evidenced by a seemingly magnetic rapport that effortlessly radiated and extended also to both her students and her younger colleagues.    So much so that when with her own children next, she tried to pour on them all - and if there could even be such a thing as more than all,  she would have lavished on them this -more than all-  that she could of her motherly love......as if to compensate... or maybe to  fiercely counter the fact that she herself had been denied such motherly concerns she  goes on  missing... even as she hears about all these from others.   I think.

        Well, I just think so, really.  But talk about the aspects lovingly given to mothers such as beauty and patience, affection and understanding - I give her minus points on these.  This mother is so imperfect along these lines, you know!  There are times when she is erratic - when she miscalculates, perhaps so much as to  end up leaving such a thin line between sympathizing and empathizing!  Oh yes, she scolds too, imagine that.  An imperfect being demanding perfection?  And what were those  other aspects again....selflessness, sacrifice?  But she is such an ambitious person, this mother.    A  lot of times will she assert her goals and consider these as other methods of a mother imparting education!  Now that, I am not so sure about.

        But let me tell you one thing I know for sure.  The existence of this mother feeds on the subliminal  fire of her motherhood.  One evident reason for this was one other  pain that rammed her heart the day of her first childbirth  - a desolate feeling...a confirmation... that her fond wish for her own mother to be somewhere nearby  at that special moment was at best inconceivable!  This experience,  however,  has taught her to transition that frustration  to be her strength in life as a mother....a mother imperfect, and a far cry,  perhaps,  from  the perfection that was her mother.  Flawed...fallacious....and imperfect, yes!  Still, I would say,  this mother is a mother! Hope you would , too? :)
                                                   -----------------------------

Ella Anika - 2

 (Thought-Random)

       Anika has become my morning and afternoon, - my day and night, - my thoughts, my emotions, - my

yes's, my no's!  Not that I'm complaining, dear one!  On the contrary, I thank heaven for Anika!  She puts

that smile on my face... she  fills the void in this my life's vacuum....she blocks decisions that threaten to cut my

air... she incredibly points to answers to my questions - at least, those that seem elusive of yes, -answers!

And most fascinating is that she supplies from out of the blue  the music that bespeaks exactly of my mornings

and my afternoons,  my days and nights, - my thoughts, my emotions, my yes's, my no's!

        A lot of details there are for all that,  of course,  but let me shelf them  in the  recesses of my mind   for

the meantime,  and invite you to join me in relishing the music interpretations of a favorite - clavis55, - and

that would be of Anika and me - after the kiss she gives getting out of bed and the one getting into bed.

                                         ------------------------------

If I Loved You

(Thought-Random)

        A lot has been said about this thing called 'love'.    For one, it is a basic human need -  to love and be loved.  And this need to love,  when met,  apparently would harmonize all else to one's general well-being.  Song and poetry have identified it as a many-splendored thing,  a strong predilection for anything,  an affectionate feeling for another,  a decisive will for the well-being of this other,  and we could go on and on.

          But let me dwell on what I think it means to love another.   Simply,  this type of love would mean affirming the unique value of the one loved,  trying to fulfill the needs of the one loved,  forgiving and forgetting the failings of the one loved.   This then implies a basic attitude of total concern for this loved one.

        There are a couple of aspects to consider though,  foremost of which would be that love is not a feeling.  Feelings are indeed related to love as the first attraction of love is usually experienced in terms of very strong affectionate sensations.   If I were to be in love with you on the basis of feelings alone,  I'd long to be close to you at all times.  I'd go sleepless nights for each day that I don't see you.  I'd willingly go on forever without food or  patiently with any or all inconvenience ... for as long as the reason were you!   In other words, I'd  go acting  the prima donna of the insane!

          But feelings are fickle.  I may feel on top of the world in the morning at one point  -  only to feel so down by the end of the day.  So it would definitely be fatal to identify love with  feelings.   You know what I think of love?   Of true love?   It  would be nothing less than a  well-thought serious decision.  It certainly can not  be just  a feeling!

        Yet another aspect would be commitment,  which by definition,  is a state of being bound emotionally and intellectually to a course of action  or to  a person.... it  is a sincere and steadfast fixity of purpose.   Thus can  I  enter into a love-relationship only with one - and this entails a choice anchored on the amount of things I can share with you... our capacity to fulfill each others needs, interests, values....down to what is called 'chemistry'.   In this wide, wide world,  you will be the one who is just right  for me and  the one to whom my whole life and existence will belong.

        Love then is basically practiced in the act of 'sharing'.  You and I  committed to each other in a love-relationship share each other's life, - each other's pains and joys.   A known author  I've read contends, among others,  that  'communication' is the word for 'sharing'.   Meaning,  if  I communicate a secret of mine to you,  we  share it and we have it in common.   If love is sharing and sharing is communication,  this then makes communication  the very essence of love, don't you think?   It might also be said that communication  would be  'the key to staying in love'  - because staying in love is to actually love,  to keep sharing and living out one's commitment.  The work of love is to achieve total transparency and well,  this apparently is not very easy to achieve.  But 'love works for those who work at it!'

          Now communication further encourages dialogue as much as discussion.   Another author makes an arbitrary distinction between the two in that the former entails information exchange of emotion,  whereas the latter deals with the things predominantly of intellectual nature.  So that  in a love-relation with you,  part of this relationship would be an exchange of ideas.... a discussion of plans, choices, values.  There is a good chance I won't agree with you in some,  or even in most of these ideas,   - leading to a break-down in our communication.  Which is why dialogue comes in as a significant complement for discussion.... it is important for us to be free in expressing our emotions as well.   This expression of emotion should, in fact, be a must.    I would have to share my emotions with you if I am to share  my ideas totally  -  so that our affection for each other would deepen even if we hold differing views on things.

        So then  now,  how would I love you?  I would love you with my heart and soul!   I would love you with the deepest of feeling and with the strongest of commitment - that's how  very much I would love you, yes.   If  I loved you! 

           

My Thoughts Were So Loud -

(Thought-Random)

               

                   they

                

                            turned

                                     my world

                                             so..........

                                                 

                                             

                    upside down

                                                        !!!

Culprit Semantics

(Thought-Random)

         Search for the meaning of  'culprit'  and answers  you would get would be  'one accused or guilty of a crime or fault' or  'one who is the source of a problem'.

.

        So there have actually been diverse identifications of a so-called 'culprit'.  One comes from a  research on the housing crisis that 'bedevils the current U.S. economy'.... with economist, Frank Stafford saying that rather than subprime mortgages as the real 'culprit', it was the 'aggressive refinancing and an increase in the use of adjustable rate mortgage in loans'.   

        In the field of diabetes control, the 'culprit' was not hypoglycemia as thought to have caused increased deaths.... this was gleaned from the Accord Study of  Dr. Matthew. Riddle,  et al, ....rather,  it was 'unsuccessful intensive therapy' that did it.

        And in a certain area of military analysis,  a 'culprit' apparently found was 'the Stuxnet virus purported to have infected the industrial computers as used by the Iranian nuclear industry'.

        These are but a handful of segments from accounts of various types of faults and causes of mishaps one could gather.  And not one of them is a happy one,  you'll have to agree with me.   But one time in my recall,  I definitely thought it was a joy for me to be called a 'culprit'!   Strange?    It definitely was!  Entertainingly bizzare, in fact!  See, I have mentored a lot of my students and friends in and out the academics, but there was one particular one of my favorites in the academe who went with me all the way to Toastmasters International. 

        This particular student  had been with me in the university-wide speaker organization of St. Louis University back home in the Philippines.  The organization  was made up of a select group of students invited from the different colleges of the university and who came together for co-curricular training in the communication skills, - particularly in discussion, debate and public speaking.   And they were  known  as the SLU Forensic Society of which I was the Coach-Adviser, - a task I so enjoyed complementing  my teaching Literature, Linguistics, and English classes.  What made the members exceptionally special was their able handling of the group as an organization as well as the excellent performances each did leading to their consistent winning in inter-university competitions,  and in effect,  also bringing home honors to their Alma Mater.  But one of the  significant experiences here for me had been coaching this particular student of mine, this Forensics Member,  for a particular national oratorical contest on drug addiction - which he but nothing won!  Simply awesome!

        Like earlier I indicated, this student of mine joined me in Toastmasters too during his professional life that followed.  And as if not to break the chain at all, I went on with the task of mentoring him in his Toastmaster speeches till cutting the story short,  we met again at the Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut  last year where the year's Toastmasters International speech competitions were held.   It was such pride and pleasure I felt to be told that here,  my former student Hermie Garrobo,  now representing Philippine Toastmasters,  had just won the Regional Competitions and was therefore qualified to compete in the International Speech Contest.  I now belonged to Connecticut Toastmasters Clubs but I was invited to this occasion as Hermie's Guest.

        So I am seated with both him and Wilson Lee, the District Governor of Philippine Toastmasters during the competition.  And when Hermie is called upstage for a short interview,   he tells the audience,  'It is an honor to be here,  Ladies and Gentlemen,  but you know,  the one who started it all for me - the one who 'forced' me to Toastmasters  is actually here with us.... . your honor, may I point to the 'culprit', ...- 'culprit', won't you please stand?'!.....

        

           Well, I did stand - at the prodding of those around me.... then he said,  'Thank you, Ma'am Sonja Chan".... and  that was all the world of semantics that meant the world to me at that very moment!                                                                                                                                                                                                        

'

Remember, Reflect, and Renew

(Thought-Random)

        Moments in time when I simply allow my existence at a standstill, - I let my mind wander through the labyrinth that make up my past year, and strangely,  I seem to extract from it selectively only the most hurting frustrations, thwarting disappointments and  disconcerting denials that have painted my experiential world.

       Talk about an early morning that had wrapped me up with overflowing enthusiasm....  to meet up with one whom I looked forward to receive from some loving words,  or at least encouraging ones, ....only to get a cold splash on the face with words that cut instead.  Talk about setting a goal and then to try reaching out to it with blood and tears, ....only to watch all that labor slip through my fingers like sand at the end of the day. Talk about the planning I so meticulously crafted to earn some distinction of efficiency, .....only for things to go haywire at the last moment so that guess what, I earn a  'commendation'  for incompetence  instead!   Why,  I ask,  can't recall be anything  at all but painful!

        So I sit back and let the process walk its way.  This is a process, I must insist, - if only to give myself a breather of sorts.  Because life, it is said, is not about accomplishment !   It is about doing,  participating,  growing.   It is a journey rather than a destination:   -a series of events unfolding as you make your way.  Now wasn't it Washington Irving who believed that "little minds attain and are subdued by misfortunes,  great minds rise above them"?   From somewhere I also read that adversity can strip the music out of life only if we allow it to.  So what kind of a mind am I going to choose for my own?  Am I to let my life empty of its music?  And come to think of it, - life is actually a blend of rain and sunshine!  So it can't be that all I have is rain!

       Of all those failures and setbacks,  shouldn't I then continue to ask:  -couldn't it be possible that there came back-to-back with them a touch of fun and enjoyment, at least, .....or some hopeful meaning or lesson learned, ......or even just a thin shadow of beauty and splendor?   Couldn't it have been that when I closed my eyes to insult , ....and offered, in a turnabout way,  understanding in terms of the healing words I reciprocated with, .....it  gave  me that peace and joy I couldn't explain?  Couldn't it have been that when failure and helplessness were the highlights of my day,  these made me grab hold of life in a way that I turned my back to the uncomfortable present and sought for more challenging alternatives?  Couldn't it be that when I questioned God why I must go through the fire, He gently took my hand in His and blessed me with insight into a transcendent reality that overshadowed the problems I nursed as if they were at best puerile?  And I realize all these, in fact, certainly were!

        As it is,  I have been staring only at half the whole of my world.  I have to admit that remembering is supposed to be an encompassing reckoning because each and every aspect of my life is apparently connected to one another.  I have to have all the pieces for a total reflection....to fully appreciate and fathom how rich it is and from there, control my choices..... at least to make the best of the choices I make  as I am aware I do not always make the best choices.  And now, the renewal..... reaffirming my resolve to take responsibility for the quality of my life...to make it happen the way I want to take it.

       An unknown poet had written these lines:

                 Life itself can't give you joy,  unless you really will it;
                 Life just gives  you time and space, it's up to you to fill it.


       Sounds like great advice to me.

  


      Thanks much, Frank!

  
                                    

        

                                                                                                          
                                                        

Wanted: A White Christmas

 (Thought- Random)

       Color has always been associated with things to picture Christmas...I'll take green for the Christmas tree, red for the mistletoe, silver for the bells and white for the snow.  But it is because they stand as symbols for the deeper meaning of Christmas that Christmas wouldn't be Christmas if Christmas were without color.

        Green is a nice color and it also stands for hope.  The people's anticipation of the Redeemer that lasted four hundred years created a sea of hope but the joy that took over when finally the first Christmas day came was three worlds combined.

        Red for joy.  We all know that the birth of Christ is a red-letter day for all of us.  It meant the coming of the Savior,  the Redeemer of mankind.  Who could've brought us more joy than He?  But then,  His death was also a red-letter day not in the sense that His death was reason for joy but because His death was meant to be the re-opening of Heaven's Gates to us.  Red not for the blood that oozed out from His wounds nor for the flesh which torture and thorns and nails knifed through.  He was born on earth to die for us, yes, but red for the triumphant saving of mankind.

        Silver for the bells that give us the sounds of Christmas - the distinctive ringing that finds its way into each heart.  Funny the way it does but it really seeks a path that won't take No for an answer especially from doors of cold, cold hearts that refuse Christ's love..... hearts that claim they need not the warmth of heavenly love.  Silver, too, as the star that brightly shone down on the manger on which He lay - the same silver star that led the Three Wise Men to Him.

       White for the snow that makes every tree a leafless one  - (almost all though) .......makes them  ivory sculptures,  without which Christmas kind of seem incomplete.  Somehow the bareness of the trees naturally puts across the allusion to the cold that triggers the scene.   So the Christ Child  lay there cold,  yes,  and yet it wasn't for the deep December night.  It was simply due to the lack of reciprocating warm love that He so yearned for from us.  He has given us all His very  life.  Now, what can we give in return for that much?

         Christmas is Christ's birthday. 

         If we can offer friends brown chocolates or pink roses on their birthdays, why not let us offer Christ a truly white Christmas this year.  Not the white of the snow nor the candles we light nor the cards that we send nor the clothes that we wear, but the purity of heart that has banished all the dirt of evil from its every chamber to serve as the whitest, widest, room for the new-born Babe.  This is all the magic needed to make Christmas white for Christ.  Though humble and unworthy it may seem when warm and stainless from sin and sincerely prepared as a dwelling for Him, the heart is turned into a royal temple fit only for a King.  The only thing left then is to invite Him in to give the final color to Christmas - a Christmas not only with all the essence of the rainbow colors of the world - but also most especially with the heavenly grandeur of a whiteness in the form of love for Christ.  Just this for really and  truly a WHITE CHRISTMAS.

                                                                                                                                      

Ave! Dominus Tecum!

(Thought-Random)


          That evening, many years ago,  I was alone in my room,  but I was cross,  very cross,  indeed,  and at the verge of tears when I was supposed to have joined the merry-making, the laughter and the songs of Christmas - on that particular evening,  most specially,  because it was the first of the nine days before Christmas... when we celebrated the first Misa de Gallo for the year.   The day had started so beautifully at dawn  but towards the end of the day,  I didn't like the way things turned out.  And then I simply ignored everything.
 
          I  had cast my eyes into the frightening darkness of the night trying to create images in that black space but could not.   All I could sense was emptiness...the same emptiness that I felt inside my heart as one by one, my disappointments came floating to my mind...-my school,  my home and family,  my special one... all just seemed to gang up on me as if to let me know that I didn't deserve life!

         As those thoughts then hurt,  cutting me like till I bled,  I turned my eyes up to the heavens,  wondering if from there I could seek  some source of refuge... and a little star seemed to glimmer.   Then one more appeared... and then another,  and another and another - and all of them gaily shined harmoniously,  as if in mockery of the darkness that was in my heart.   At about the same time,  one song kind of  slowly and majestically surfaced above the competing sounds and music that dinned  the air - the one beautiful,  Ave Maria  song.   And then that one line from it simply arrested my entire being - Ave, Dominus tecum... the angel telling Mary  ' Hail, the Lord is with you'.

         An inexplicable  force seemed to redirect my thoughts to this one line and and impressed on me the fact that to this announcement  of the angel,  Mary had obediently consented to the Lord's designs for her.  So why couldn't I,  a simple wretched creation of God  be less proud,  less vain,  less  stubborn, ...  when   all that was around me was actually love in diverse  appearances no matter how negative my interpretations.  


            The healing strains of the song continued to search its place in my heart as I finally broke into tears but tears these were no longer of bitter grief,  but of a most blessed  change into joyful peace.
    

Yuletide Trimmings

(Thought-Random)

        Christmas today is a time of goodwill and feasting.  It is a joyous medley of festive songs and fragrant evergreens, of pealing bells and lilting carols.  It is a time of dimly-lit Christmas cribs and brightly-lit Christmas trees.  There is a curious mixture of religious services, of evergreen wreaths of holly and mistletoe, of puddings and cakes, and tinkling music boxes and bells.  But it was not always so.

        History tells us that Christmas was not celebrated until nearly 400 years after the angel of the Lord had sent the shepherds of Bethlehem to look for the Infant Lord in a manger.  Even then, it was not called 'Christmas'  because that name came about 800 years later in England where the celebration of the midnight Mass on the eve of the Nativity was permitted and was called 'Christ's Mass', later shortened to 'Christmas'.

        Christmas was at first a purely religious feast, but as more and more pagans left their false gods to follow the one, true God, the feast acquired secular characteristics.  The pagans discarded their gods without much struggle, but the old revelries and feasting which they had associated December 25 with were hard to forget.  The Church allowed certain harmless pagan customs to continue and now these customs have been so much imbued into our Christmases that even we cannot celebrate Christmas without them.

        Giving little candles and clay dolls for gifts was an old Roman custom.  The Northern barbarians are credited with the gift-giving custom.  The artificially-decorated Christmas tree seems to have been used first in Germany.  This became a 'must' in England when Queen Victoria of German descent had one set up in Windsor Castle.  From the Goths, we inherited the Yule log celebrations.  St. Francis of Assisi gave us the 'Belen' or Christmas Crib in 1223 and his followers, the Christmas Carol.

        Bells are another feature of Christmas today.  They peal from church steeples and mingle with the Adestes floating from church choirs.  They ring to announce a Christmas that has traveled long and far from Bethlehem to the four corners of the earth,  from generation to generation,  gathering more joys as it came.  Tidings of great joy that shall be to all people, announced by the angel that night in Bethlehem,  are retold and now, almost 2000 years later, the birth of Christ is once again celebrated with the joyous jubilation and reverence of all peoples hovering like incense around the incorruptible holiness of Bethlehem.

Communicating Information

(Thought-Random)

        Have you ever thought that 'information' and 'communication' were two words you could interchange using?  Because if ever you have, gentle reminder, dear friend, apparently you can't!  Journalist Sydney J. Harris makes the distinction  in that 'information' is  giving out while 'communication' is getting through'.  And well, you just could use both  'information' and 'communication' as substantives  as when you say 'The information he gave was incorrect.' and 'My communication to them was intercepted'.   But see,  to interchange them would violate certain semantic constraints. To say  'The communication he gave was incorrect.' and 'My information to them was intercepted.' may be syntactically correct... meaning, they are grammatically correct, why not.... but they would not be semantically acceptable unless taken in appropriate contexts.  One's knowledge of meaning combinations simply hesitates to confirm.   This, in fact,  reminds me of the linguist Noam Chomsky's seminal  'Green ideas sleep furiously.'  Nothing wrong with the grammar of this sentence but definitely, it is a semantic violation. And guess what - I love that sentence, I really do!

                                

        Anyway, what really invites my interest at the moment is Sydney's 'getting through' concept of communication. This situation could be visualized as involving a speaker and a hearer in a context where the former tries to convey to a another an understandable message.  Just to call your attention, -  it is the message understood  that is the main focus, otherwise the communication doesn't reach home base and the activity is considered a communication failure.

        Three ways by which a message could be transmitted, Ladies and Gentlemen.   These are oral, written, and non-verbal. Oral: -you talk to another on the phone, you deliver a speech;  written: -you send an e-mail, you write a treatise; non-verbal: ...wait! -let's do this.  Let us, in fact,  zero down on this.  Non-verbal communication is also known as body language. This includes among others,  facial expression, eye contact, touch, and space. One doesn't have to communicate in so many words of his disapproval....he only has to frown and the message is sent. A smile is a message of either joy or consent. In some countries like Japan, a child being scolded  by an elder smiles to show courtesy.  A raised eyebrow is one of incredulity or skepticism;  rolled eyes, an 'I told you so' message.  Ever noticed that when you are in a crowded restaurant and the waiters are kinda being overworked, they will try to avoid your eye contact....-or at least delay meeting it?  Well, this is because with eye contact, one sends the message that he wants attention.  In other cases, however, giving eye contact may  mean it is you who is giving your interested attention as in a speech delivery situation.  The eyes are a very effective message transmitter.  They can communicate interest, hostility,  and attraction, -whether sexual or harmless flirting.  With touch, we can  communicate a great deal:  a firm handshake, a warm bear hug, a gentle brush of the back of the fingers across the other's cheek or a controlling grip on the arm. And then space.  Depending on culture, situation, or the closeness of the relationship, space could either be too distant or too close for comfort.  Thus the use of space could signal intimacy, dominance, aggression or affection. Doesn't this sound familiar?
  
        So communication is possible without any words involved.  But there is one other thing in communications where we do use words but do not necessarily follow academic categories like declarative, interrogative,  imperative sentences. If you still remember good old grammar school,  you were told that declarative sentences are statements; interrogative sentences, questions;   imperative sentences make others do an action and so on and so forth.  However, we really don't do these all the time.  This means that sometimes, we utter a question to state a disapproval  as when one says of a friend's mistake: - 'Isn't that the stupidest thing you ever did?'  Other times, we really are requesting, not asking a question with 'Won't you lend me five bucks for now?' because the positive response expected here is not a 'yes' or a 'no' but an actual giving of the money. Then take the situation where a lady makes an expressive 'It's cold in here!'. The function of this utterance is not to state her discomfort but to let the guy beside her either close the window where the draft is coming from or to let him put his arm around her for some warmth.

        The above sentences which apparently go beyond traditional grammar are called speech acts in the linguistics trade as engendered by the philosopher J. L. Austin.  He  posits the fact that we really perform an act when we utter a sentence no matter what the structure; that is, we request, we negate, we deny, we inquire....and a lot more.   In fact, our 4-year old at home is no exception. As she is always taught to ask for  permission for anything she wants done or wants to do herself, she dutifully complies.  So that when one time her father playfully forks away a piece of food from her plate during dinner,  she correspondingly communicates information of her demand for protocol: 'Papa, did you ask me permission?'

                                            --------------------------------------

Advent: Anticipation and Beginning

(Thought-Random)

        Black Friday gone,  Cyber Monday up and coming,  -what about Advent Sunday?  At least this first of the four Sundays of Advent?

       Christendom starts the Liturgical Year with the Advent Season,  -that would be 4 weeks before Christmas Day.  Many would put parallelisms and connections between Advent and Christmas and Lent in the fact that Advent, being an anticipation of the arrival of Christ,- which would be Christmas; .....  actually reflects a spiritual journey  starting from there up to the consummation of Christ's task of saving mankind ....which falls on Lent's Good Friday.  Others put the 'focus of the entire season on the celebration of the birth of Christ in his First Advent,  and the anticipation of  His return on the Last Judgement - his Second Advent.'  Advent here, thus, means 'arrival'... a meaning very much related to terms such as  'longing', 'expectation', 'preparation'.  And one can't help noticing the 'double focus on the past and future' aspects of time.

        But  wouldn't  you also try to  think of  'advent' used  in everyday events as 'onset',  or 'dawning',  or 'genesis',  .....'alpha', even ,  -or simply  'the beginning'?  Some refer to a new turn in life as 'the advent of my rebirth'!,  others as 'the advent of more interesting challenges for me',  and many more.  If only because of the journey metaphor that the word  'advent'  alludes to,  wouldn't you kinda like trying to use  it to capture  thoughts on beginning this next segment of your life, perhaps?

        If you haven't been taking charge of yourself,  now could be the time.   'Not taking charge' of yourself could mean an indication of  negative emotions in your life like anger, hostility, shyness, and other useless emotions like guilt and worry that you might love hanging  on to.  See, such negativity could range from mild indecision to total inaction,  holding you in a limbo of stagnancy.   And it goes without saying that you need  to break free from any mirror-reflections of such an undesirable past. .  Well, they say that learning from past mistakes is healthy and necessary but just using up your energy in feeling upset and depressed, - that would be unhealthy; .... it won't even change the past.  So what can you do?

       Try this.  Believe that no activity is beyond your potential.  Human experience is yours to enjoy if you are bold enough to explore the unknown.  Try breaking the barriers of convention.  Put an end to procrastination.  All these are gigantic thoughts, but hang on....!.  You have to be open to new experiences but you must also make selective efforts in trying new things.  You can never find self-fulfillment if you permit external forces to  control your feelings, your thoughts, your behavior;  but understand that this does not in any way infer being contemptuous of the law.  Putting off is simply a technique of avoiding doing and obviously allowing you to escape unlikeable activities,  -really an escape from living present moments.  So why not turn the tide for yourself and make a choice for that elusive now?   Because I would suggest all these to myself!!!  

        Most people actually make their life's resolutions on New Year's Day; but some do it at  the start of the Christian Liturgical Year. Today.  This year's first Sunday of Advent,  the season of anticipation for Christ's birth.  In fact, if you you ask me,  I would opt for the latter and for a new beginning.  So I put claim on an advent of this next segment in my life.  I will explore the unknown.   I will break the barriers of convention.   I will put an end to procrastination!!!

  

M A E L S T R O M

(Thought-Random)

        Ever heard of the word, maelstrom? Well, I remember it to be one of the vocabulary items I once introduced to my English classes which triggered a good hour's worth of animated discussion.  But let me tell you more about it.  The word came in diverse definitions: -a powerful circular current of water usually the result of conflicting tides;  -a whirlpool violently sucking in objects within a given radius, -a violent, turbulent situation; -a restless, disordered, tumultuous state of affairs.  Pick one of them and that would be a maelstrom!

        In usage, one could go The country was caught in a maelstrom of war.  Or  She was a maelstrom of churning emotions. From Edgar Rice Burroughs's Tarzan, we have In an instant, the ape-man became the center of a biting maelstrom of horror.  And from Moby Dick goes So close did the monster come to the hull when suddenly going down in a maelstrom, he wholly disappeared from view.


        Well, it happens in life that times, you wake up to a lovely morning heralding a phenomenon of a day.   The family's toddler comes up to you to give you a good morning hug, tight... and a kiss, resounding!  A quick glance at your computer's inbox gives you a string of short linguistic shorts ranging from  friendly outbursts like Hi, top of the morning to you! to  more clandestine-sounding whisper-like clips like Lunch or Dinner? Same time same place?.... A quick listening to your phone messages informs  you that you got that new job interview you so hoped for at 9 today....that  the amount of 5 thousand bucks  you questioned your bank on being deducted from your account was rectified to be a deposit instead.... that your online professor did give you that A you so worked very hard for!

        Other times  however, you come to the end of the day like a sudden thunderstorm simply drenched you in your new H&M outfit.  You failed to convince the group at that afternoon meeting of the significance of your proposal.  They opted for that of that guy, your colleague, but whom you so much disliked.   You offended the office receptionist  with a comment you meant to be a compliment as you passed her by on your way out. And you wonder just how that came to be.   You  just rammed the side of your car as you drove into the garage. For this, you have no excuse.  But put all these together and man,  these don't constitute a maelstrom yet.

        Some experiential examples I can pick up from those old classes  might come close to this maelstrom concept.  One, for example,  told us about his having two girl friends, - both he was seriously in love with.  In five months time after graduation, both wanted him to present their marriage plans to their respective families, both of whom were acquaintances of his own.  The problem was that he didn't want to get married yet. He so wanted to take on that job offer in Europe where an uncle lived. This uncle, on the other hand, categorically wanted him married before he moved in to Europe to ensure his emotional stability while at work.  Or so he thought.  I never got to know  how he got out of that - until just recently.

       Another told us of how he had gambled away his tuition through his school-years.  In five months, graduation time, he was supposed to hand in to his parents evidence of having finished a university course.  They had trusted him with handling his own finances - after they put in his hands the money.  What kinda complicated matters is that, at a point where  he ran out of money for his use, he mortgaged their family house.  As expected, the bank then was collecting.  Then his dad was diagnosed with  a life-threatening disease.  The parents were optimistic about their son though.  After graduation, he was going to get a good job and as is common in Asian families, he was expected to tide the family into a much better life. Wow!  Again, I never got to know how he fared until, too, just recently.

        Students, my dear friends, are sometimes identified as  young, carefree, unmindful of responsibility - well, some of them! A lot of them I had known to admire for various reasons.. a lot of them to have touched my life in various ways...   But none of them to have experienced the maelstrom that I am in now. ... as far as I know. There have been fictional depictions of the Maelstrom by Edgar Allan Poe and Jules Vernes who describe it as a gigantic circular vortex that reaches the bottom of the ocean.  The real world itself time and again gets into diverse maelstroms in life's day-to-day existence.  Now you might want to ask what's this about mine?  Well, I could talk about it, why not.  But a bit of warning because  should I begin to tell you,  I would be  triggering in your imagination the violence of  an earthquake the likes of  a seven point seven at the richter scale, - a signal five weather report of a hurricane ,  -and a volcanic eruption  the horrific magnitude of a Mount Vesuvius activity... - all  in simultaneous occurrence!  So I'm  thinking I'd rather not.  I only  pray I get out of this soon.  I  do fervently hope so.  I really hope I will.  No, no, I know I will.  I should!!!

                                                           ________________________

Today, We Remember

(Thought-Random)

        In Catholic churches and cemeteries today,  in the Philippines particularly,  special services honor departed ones - evidence of Catholic devotion and Catholic instinct in remembering them.

        While in the Filipino context, this celebration is a happy one as somehow it brings about some kind of reunion, my thoughts dwell more on the fact that the souls of those who have gone before are aided according to Catholic Dogma.  Some religious sects write out the existence of Purgatory, a place where souls with venial sins still unatoned for are confined after death and must be cleansed first before entering Heaven.  Dante, himself, in his immortal and philosophical Divina Comedia 'geographically' (if I may use the term) sets Purgatorio as the place the soul must climb upward to Paradiso.

        Anyway, Catholics prove the existence of Purgatory from several Scriptural passages.  One I'd like to quote as the Lord saying in the New Testament; he who shall speak against the Holy Spirit, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world nor in the world to come.... the strength of this passage apparently lies in the fact that some sins are washed away in the life to come... in hell there is no forgiveness, in heaven all must have been forgiven,  then there must be a middle position, - a place where certain sins are forgiven.  It cannot be hell, it cannot be heaven, and the Catholic Church calls this place Purgatory..a thought I strongly cling to as I  would love to have all my beloved departed have a chance at that place.

        That on the side,  I do relish remembrances of things past, specially of happy moments with departed loved ones.  Things past are not all happy, of course, but one has to be selective.  And I choose the happy ones.  It certainly is like listening to a smile on the phone.

                                                           ----------------------------

....but lightning I love!

(Camera-Random)

        Lightning, it is said, is one of the most beautiful displays in nature.  It is also one of the most deadly phenomena known to man. With bolt temperatures hotter than the sun and shockwaves beaming out in all directions, lightning is a lesson in physical science and humility.....

 

.....but lightning, I love!

__________________________