On An Evening In Roma

Volare

Sanctuary Of The Heart

Sanctuary of the Heart

Unwritten

I Don't Know!

(Thought-Random)

   
           After the fun of the morning pillow fight which Anika just got me into, ( I don't understand how she easily does that!), she now  rests her head on my arm and cuddles close to me as we lay in my bed where she had dozed off the night before. Then suddenly from out of nowhere, she asks me, "Why is your heart crying, Grama?"  I am taken aback! "What makes you say that?", I counter. "You're always sad!" she says, but I play it down, "No, I am not!"  "Oh, yes, you are!", she insists. "I am not!", I also do. 

         I remind her of how I laughed at her screaming as she tried to unearth herself from the mountain of pillows I tried to bury her in.  I feel a little guilty having had used my strength over this frail image of an angel.  But well, she vindicated herself when at that very moment of mirth on my part, she got her chance to free herself and throw a pillow at my face! Oh fiddlesticks! Her expression!   But a moment, at least, that I wasn't sad!  If I was always sad!

 

         Then I go back to ask her, "You really didn't hear my heart crying, did you?"  "Nope", she answers in a  matter-of-fact way.  "Then why did you ask me why it was crying?", I went on.  "I don't know!", she simply says.  "Why did you think I was always sad!", I didn't want to let go.  "I don't know!", she simply says.

        Funny how I borrow that line of Anika a lot of times at questions I have of my own life -  I don't know!  Why this, why that, why here, why now, why him, why me- ?  I don't know!  At one point the world embraces the cold but beautiful coldness of ice and snow .... followed by the refreshing kiss of springtime colors .... and then, the liberating sunshine of summer comes to let each soul free itself of some kind of captivity..... to be later drenched by rain clothed in thunder and lightning...... and then the leaves begin to fall!  Why!? The reasons for this seemingly remain wanting to me.

        "So must this go on and on and on in a changeless way?", I ask.  Perhaps, I also tell myself!  But it would really be interesting to have some answers and to be able to reach out to that elusive something!  Perhaps it will be this or it will be that.... it might be here and it might be now.... it will probably be him or probably just me - but,  just that?  And should you ask me why I even think of this, I am sure you know that I will say, "I don't know"!