As I go on writing this letter, I also see images superimposed on my stationery. Right, - I am not typing this away on my computer for now as I had been wont to. Specifically when it was one meant for you. And right now, I see you as that next-door-14-year-old kid in pig-tails whom I'd watch from my window getting down from the school bus....running towards her doorsteps to fling her school bag and go run to join the neighborhood school friends that usually got together for a while at the corner candy store. This place was where you all would spend a little time together talking and laughing all at the same time over some cocoa or some soda before you dispersed and did then go home..... as if school time was not enough for you at all!
Those times when I'd watch you from my window, I was finishing college then and you were finishing middle school. That meant I would leave town in time to join a company in the city for that job that was waiting for me. And I did leave town to spend the rest of my life going places as my job demanded, getting married in between time and having a lovely family of my own. Remember I had lost mine when my parents figured in that cruise disaster that happened on the Atlantic? Happening just barely a month before my graduation from college? And your family lovingly took me in as their own.... your Uncle Ramon, in particular. So I had been a brother to you all the while.
But deep in my heart, I had something special for you.... something I couldn't quite fight considering I had become family to you. I'd raise hell in the confines of my solitude crying out, so what! So what if I was supposed to be your brother? So what if this was as good as cradle-snatching! So, let it stay nurtured, I decided.
I'd have chances to come home during holidays and I loved how you'd meet me by the door to collect your favorite orchids and then give me a tight hug. Which is why I never missed to bring you a branch of those pretty purple ones. Or at least one single flower.... just one orchid was always good enough for you. Which is why, further and much later, I'd always see your half-smiling face in every orchid I gaze at. Those so short hours, however, that simply turned nights into the following days that would carry me away again to my work killed me each time as much as they would give me renewed life because I was seeing you again. Seeing you smile and laugh and sulk and pout....seeing you in the many ways that made every moment in life a touch of heaven on earth. But just seeing you so close and yet so distant. Seeing you slowly blossom into the person I would have wanted to spend the rest of my life with. That was all there was to it.
So I met my wife whom I had learned to love and care for but you never knew that. I love my family, no question to that; they have my total loyalty. But please explain to me why notwithstanding this, I couldn't let go this profound warmth I had for you that I maintained correspondence with you even if only on the platonic level. Despite my happy family, there were times I would miss you like my heart would skip a beat. There were times even when just to think of you gave me a feeling so like elation over a forbidden pleasure. And yet, I'd contend the sanctitude of my intentions. Even when one time I had invited you to join me at one of my business trips at an exotic island.
I had lost touch with you for some time and the idea simply came floating to my mind as I sat there enjoying a glass of red wine....wine that reminded me all the time - of that particular smile of yours..... while I waited for my associate at a lunch meeting. At the spur of the moment, I decided to send you round-trip plane tickets so I could somehow quench this undefinable longing I had for you. Just to see you. Just to have dinner with you. I was so sure you'd have wanted to come. You could have come, that's for certain. But for whatever reason, you didn't. And yet, I didn't understand myself because somehow, I thanked heaven you didn't make it then. In the recesses of my mind, I still wonder even now what might have been had you made it. But now, I'm not sure if it is right for me to wish events actually did a turn-about. Just why? Because, God, it can never happen again! No, never again!
Most definitely, a part of my existence closed a door when your mom left me a message about your being at the hospital ICU. You did have this heart condition as a kid but you were one who was always so full of life not even the nine hundred devils in Dante's inferno could have snatched you. But well, life itself just had to let you go. Just like that! And twilight now has gotten the better of dusk. I have to fold my letter, dear Linda, - slip it into this envelope which, in turn. I now slip into your coffin..... this envelope which forever leaves with me fond memories of
My special love,
Fred
But deep in my heart, I had something special for you.... something I couldn't quite fight considering I had become family to you. I'd raise hell in the confines of my solitude crying out, so what! So what if I was supposed to be your brother? So what if this was as good as cradle-snatching! So, let it stay nurtured, I decided.
I'd have chances to come home during holidays and I loved how you'd meet me by the door to collect your favorite orchids and then give me a tight hug. Which is why I never missed to bring you a branch of those pretty purple ones. Or at least one single flower.... just one orchid was always good enough for you. Which is why, further and much later, I'd always see your half-smiling face in every orchid I gaze at. Those so short hours, however, that simply turned nights into the following days that would carry me away again to my work killed me each time as much as they would give me renewed life because I was seeing you again. Seeing you smile and laugh and sulk and pout....seeing you in the many ways that made every moment in life a touch of heaven on earth. But just seeing you so close and yet so distant. Seeing you slowly blossom into the person I would have wanted to spend the rest of my life with. That was all there was to it.
So I met my wife whom I had learned to love and care for but you never knew that. I love my family, no question to that; they have my total loyalty. But please explain to me why notwithstanding this, I couldn't let go this profound warmth I had for you that I maintained correspondence with you even if only on the platonic level. Despite my happy family, there were times I would miss you like my heart would skip a beat. There were times even when just to think of you gave me a feeling so like elation over a forbidden pleasure. And yet, I'd contend the sanctitude of my intentions. Even when one time I had invited you to join me at one of my business trips at an exotic island.
I had lost touch with you for some time and the idea simply came floating to my mind as I sat there enjoying a glass of red wine....wine that reminded me all the time - of that particular smile of yours..... while I waited for my associate at a lunch meeting. At the spur of the moment, I decided to send you round-trip plane tickets so I could somehow quench this undefinable longing I had for you. Just to see you. Just to have dinner with you. I was so sure you'd have wanted to come. You could have come, that's for certain. But for whatever reason, you didn't. And yet, I didn't understand myself because somehow, I thanked heaven you didn't make it then. In the recesses of my mind, I still wonder even now what might have been had you made it. But now, I'm not sure if it is right for me to wish events actually did a turn-about. Just why? Because, God, it can never happen again! No, never again!
Most definitely, a part of my existence closed a door when your mom left me a message about your being at the hospital ICU. You did have this heart condition as a kid but you were one who was always so full of life not even the nine hundred devils in Dante's inferno could have snatched you. But well, life itself just had to let you go. Just like that! And twilight now has gotten the better of dusk. I have to fold my letter, dear Linda, - slip it into this envelope which, in turn. I now slip into your coffin..... this envelope which forever leaves with me fond memories of
My special love,
Fred
Very beautiful and touching. Love Sigrun
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sigrun... glad you liked it!:) ...and hope you find the others! :)
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