The 19th of August

(Thought-Random)

             August 19th was a date some 40 plus years ago when I was cut open via C-section the second time around, and this brings me to a perspective of motherhood - an experience I consider phenomenal even to this point in my life.  Rey had come before Ruby but it is August at the moment and the August experience I remember so vividly.

              With Rey, it was a first timer for me in a couple of ways. My husband was then with the military and was stationed at the far southern part of my country while I was in the far northern part. I was also in my ninth month of pregnancy.  He had wanted me to be with him as then, I'd be giving birth to our first child.  But I gave in to my mother-in-law to stay put at home for the practical reason of childbirth care which family thought my husband being in the military might not have been able to give me. But this was reason enough for him to raise hell.  He claimed I was supposed to have more loyalty to him than to anyone else.. countering my cultural value that giving in to his mom might have just paralleled giving in to him.

 
             My first big fight with my husband.  And it was excruciating!  Because I couldn't have the chance not to let the quarrel set with the sun.  Because I knew that having given up the heartwarming feeling of having my husband by my side as I brought our first child into the world, I had also given up the love and affection of this very husband of mine.  I couldn't describe the pain as it seemingly thrust my last breath suspended while I longed for his redeeming affection.

         Then my first childbirth was suddenly at hand as my bag of waters just burst.  At the delivery room where I was rushed to, -  I held my breath each time my contractions came and as the moments whiled away, there was no progression whatsoever.... and the pain was not only physical but emotional and mental as well. This labor dragged from the hours of the early afternoon to the  late hours of the next morning and I couldn't decide it if this was making me wish for death to end it right then and there, or for more life- if only to know once again the soul-filling essence of my beloved's affection for me. As it was, it was found out that the reason my laboring wasn't productive at all was because I had pelvic disproportion - I couldn't give normal childbirth at all!  Some of the inadequacies of a third world country at that time, I thought, but this, at least, I survived.  I had to undergo C-section.  After all said and done much later, however, was the happy realization  that  my husband was eventually there by my hospital bedside.  He looked haggard and spent after all that travel and stress, probably, but in those few wordless moments given us, I saw the intense longing in his eyes... all the apologetic remorse mirrored in his eyes that glistened tentatively...and all the love and affection I so longed for  was back in that soft  touch as his fingers gently brushed across my cheek.  And that was all that mattered to me.


             That was Rey's birth date and it was October. So Ruby's came in August, two years afterwards but circumstances were different this time. Now, I knew I wasn't capable of a normal childbirth and therefore,  the date for my C-section for my second baby was scheduled ahead of time. And my husband was going to be there with me. This was a titanic reverse of the  momentary heart rending experience I had of my October childbirth experience.  August is a beautiful part of the year in most countries.  In mine, this is when the rains come pouring in endlessly.... going on for days.... weeks.... at times, even months.  Some people curse this kind of weather but it was beautiful to me.  There was just joy and happiness that had overridden whatever pain and inconveniences that were there, if  any at all.  As I came back to consciousness from the operative anaesthesia, the welcoming sight was that of my beautiful family: -my son and  my daughter tightening the bond between my beloved and me. What else could there be to live for?

             Talk about what might be one significant aspect of my life and I will venture to say it is my motherhood.  A few pages will not suffice for all the thoughts I have about it,  but for my purposes at the moment, motherhood does start at childbirth. Some say the start comes at the moment of conception but to me those nine months are only a pre-dawn touch of excitement for what to expect next- the real thing.  My motherhood is actually a complexity of diverse emotions and situations that have wrapped up my whole life till  this very  moment -so that for now, I might just say that with Rey and Ruby, the diverse nature for each start, as far as motherhood for me is concerned,  necessarily spell out some aspects that make out for such diversity. The unifying factor, however, is that I have set into this world  part of my flesh and blood - which in turn bespeaks of a love I had shared with my beloved. An august spark in my August existence.